This is the Rewatch: Teen Wolf, S1E1 ‘Wolf Moon’

By Taylor Plume.

I feel that perhaps such a warning shouldn’t be necessary for an episode summary of a show that’s been out for over three years, but SPOILER ALERT. We good?

All right. Cool. So, we open on a bunch of police cars, and police dogs, and try not to miss the dramatic irony there. All them dogs. There are about to be a lot more dogs.

Cue useless musical interlude, and super-necessary shirtless Scott McCall. You can tell he’s the protagonist by how ripped he is. Also, he will appear shirtless several more times throughout the episode.

Then comes Stiles. Tiny, precious, awkward Stiles. He is literally introduced to us with his hanging upside-down and asking, “hey Scotty, wanna gO fInD hAlF a DeAd boDy iN tHe wOOds?”

so normal.
So not crazy. What are you talking about?

Is that a normal reaction to hearing talk of a corpse over your father’s police radio? I don’t know. My father is not the Sheriff. But I think an obsession with corpses qualifies as at least a minor psychological problem. More on that as it develops.

So. Scotty and Stiles drive out into the middle of the woods. They get out, and little Scotty’s asthma starts acting up. Surprise, surprise, there’s a search party in the woods. Who do they find? Stiles! Who sacrifices himself for his best friend (the plot).

We see you, little red riding hood joke.
We see you, little red riding hood joke.

After Stiles is apprehended, Scott is left to wander around the woods in his burgundy hoodie. And. GASP. Scott gets bitten by a motherfucking werewolf.

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Looks fine to me.

Of course, Scott does not seek medical attention, even though his mother is a nurse and he is a goddamned veterinarian. Big-ass animal bite? That’ll be fine. Just put some gauze over it. What is rabies? That’s not a thing. You’re so funny. Rabies. HAH.

Ice Queen.
Please step on me.

Scott goes to school the next day. Where we meet the rest of the cast. Such as my precious Trash Son, Jackson Whittemore. He has the twinkiest face to ever twink. And Lydia Martin, our beautiful, flawless ice queen. Also, we meet the love interest, when we get our first hint at Scotty’s newfound lycanthropy. He can hear a phone call from outside the building. But no big. He just uses it to get an in with the New Girl, a.k.a. Allison Argent. He also uses his superhearing to eavesdrop on several of her conversations. Because that’s romantic. Not at all creepy.

That night, when he gets home, Scott takes of the bandage he slapped over his gaping wound that morning, and holy fuck, it’s healed. That’s not normal. Jesus, Scott, that’s really not normal.

Gratuitous abs.
Gratuitous abs.

Sometime later, wandering the woods, looking for Scott’s inhaler, Scott starts talking about all his apparent super powers and Stiles jokes like, ‘bruh you are totes a werewolf.’ Ha ha. HA hAH Ha. They then meet Grumpy McEyebrows, (AKA Derek Hale, AKA Failwolf, AKA what even is your face, good sir, you have ridiculous bunny-teeth). Derek yells at them to stay off the preserve and proceeds to be generally unhelpful for the rest of the series.

Look at this piece of shit.
Look at this leather-jacket-wearing piece of shit.

Then, Scotty has a late shift at the animal clinic. We have the obligatory scene of him walking into the room full of cat kennels, and every single animal flips shit at him. Allison then shows up, with a dog she accidentally ran over (don’t worry, dog is fine, no dogs were killed in this episode because that’d be fucked up). We get a bunch of shippy dialogue, with Allison being like, ‘omg why am I creying I am not like other girls I don’t do girly things like sobbing’ and Scott responding with something to the effect of, ‘if it helps my chances of getting ur pants off I would so crey like a little girl.’ He follows by asking her to go to a party with him because that’s what the youth these days are doing and she agrees.

Ugh. So heterosexual. Gross.
Ugh. So heterosexual. Gross.

Then, ‘tis time for more shitty musical interludes, because this is MTV, damnit. What did you expect? I lost count, but there were at least nine of these. Probably more.

I love you, coach.
I love you, coach.

Scotty goes to lacrosse tryouts. And, as a side note, Coach Finstock is the best stereotype compilation to ever exist. And despite being the underdog (I thought up that pun after five glasses of wine and you’d better appreciate it), he makes the team due to his newfound superhuman strength and speed.

As Stiles is the only one with a brain on the show, he starts to do a little research most likely inputting Google searches like: ‘animal attack and increased lacrosse skills?,’ ‘real life spiderman?’ and ‘dog bite then superpowers.’ He comes to the very reasonable conclusion that his best friend has turned into a werewolf.

Jackson, on the other hand, suspects Scott of steroid use, and confronts him. Here, we get season one’s best dialogue.

Now kiss.
Now kiss.

JACKSON: Come on, McCall. Where’d you get the juice?

SCOTT: My mom does all the grocery shopping.


Despite Stiles trying to warn him off, Scott ends up attending a party with Allison on THE FULL MOON. To nobody’s surprise, he starts to wolf-out, because holy hell, Allison turns him on. I suppose you could say she brings out the animal in him. That wasn’t funny. I’m sorry. Anyway, Scott has to run off back to his house to be a creature of the night in private. Derek also shows up at the party, like a creep, and offers Allison a ride home.

Yep. Still creepy.
Yep. Still creepy.

Stiles, as the good friend he is, follows Scott home to ask what’s up. He then tells Scott that Derek made off with Allison. There’s some speculation that Derek is also a werewolf, and probably the one that bit Scott.

Scott goes into full on-rage mode and takes off. Stiles drives to Allison’s house where Victoria Argent (the scariest woman on the show Jesus fuck) answers the door, and reveals that Allison is home safe. Meanwhile, Scotty follows Allison’s scent into the woods, only to find her jacket hanging from a tree branch, along with Grumpy McEyebrows who tries to give him the ‘you gotta stay away from your bae for dramatic tension’ speech to zero effect.

Then werewolf hunters, with bows and arrows, and guns, and a lot of scary shit come out of nowhere. One of them has startling blue eyes. He shall claim title of ‘Hot Dad’ for the rest of the show. I’ll tell you his actual name in a minute.

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Who gave you the right to look that good? Fuck you.

Once Scott and Derek get away from the hunters, Scott accuses Derek of giving him the bite. Instead of denying it, like a reasonable person might if they weren’t the one to do the thing, Derek says “we’re brothers now Scotty we gotta take care of each other,” and walks away to continue being useless.

The next day, after school, Scottie offers no excuse for his behavior and somehow Allison still forgives him. A car rolls up and OH MY GOD THERE’S HOT DAD AGAIN. Yes. Allison Argent’s father, Chris Argent, is so a werewolf hunter, and we’ve set up our little Romeo and Juliet romance ever so nicely. Seems like a good place to end an episode. And, in perhaps the only logical decision this show will make, that is exactly where the episode leaves off.

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Whether you like it or not.

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