This is the Rewatch: Teen Wolf, S1E4 ‘Magic Bullet’

By Taylor Plume.

I have been doing these for over a month now. I have no regrets. Everybody should have this much Teen Wolf in their life. It’s so healthy. Nobody is crazy here. That’s ridiculous. Disclaimer: I am once again guilty of paraphrasing dialogue for ‘comedic’ purposes.

We open on a pretty blonde woman driving down the road at night. She looks like a character in the first five minutes of a horror movie. You know, the one that is about to be disemboweled by the big bad before we even get introduced to the main cast. And, right on cue, as she switches the radio from the news to crappy pop music something jumps on her roof. She screeches to a stop. A big, clawed hand bursts through her window. She struggles for a moment, before grabbing a gun anD SHOOTING A HOLE IN THE GODDAMNED ROOF OF HER CAR. Meet Kate Argent. She is scary. She rolls out of the car, firing off another few rounds, but the big scary wolf gets away.

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Campaign poster for ‘More Hot Girls With Weapons 2k15’.

Meanwhile, Scotty wakes up at the sound of howling. He gets dressed and seeks out the fray. Allison wakes up as her dad is leaving the house, saying he’s just going to go pick up Kate because she’s having ‘car trouble’. Derek just shows up near where Kate is, because he’s trying to find the alpha. Instead he finds a bullet in his arm, courtesy of Kate’s gun.

Lurk hard.
Lurk hard.

By the time Chris gets there, Derek is lying on the ground in an alleyway, bleeding. The Alpha is gone. Scott seems to have picked up a few things from Derek, because he stays in the shadows, listening to Chris and Kate bicker from a distance. Kate reveals the useful plot point that Derek probably has about forty-eight hours to live, before they drive off.

At school, the next day, Stiles pesters Scott with a bunch of questions neither of them know the answer to. They get back some graded work, and it turns out that Scott is failing.

"Plez pay attentions 2 me."
“Plez pay attentions 2 me Scottie.”

STILES: wanna studdy buddyy?

SCOTT: nah I’m gonna go do homework at Allison’s

STILES: brooo! Ur gonna get it in

SCOTT: u think?


Enter Stuffy McEyebrows. He’s not looking so good. Even if he managed to drag himself out of the alleyway he was in, he’s got some dark, heroin-addict circles under his eyes, and there’s blood running down his arm.

He needs to find Scott. Instead he finds Jackson. Jackson sees the leather jacket, and pasty face, and draws the reasonable conclusion that Derek is a drug dealer. Being the little bastard that he is, Jackson decides it’s an excellent time to interrogate Derek about Scott’s steroid usage.

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“Everyone I love is dead. I have numerous emotional problems. Don’t test me, son.”

Derek does not have time for this shit. So he shoves Jackson against a locker (he seems to have a fondness for pinning young, pretty men against hard surfaces). In the scuffle, Derek’s claws knick the back of Jackson’s neck. Oops. He lets go and carries on in his search for Scotty. When the bell rings, he wanders out into the parking lot. He collapses in front of Stiles’ Jeep and causes a huge, awkward scene. He manages to relay that he’s been shot by some sort of voodoo bullet, and Scott needs to find out what’s in it. Scott is reluctant to help, because Derek spends most of his time being an unhelpful bag of dicks. Derek says something to the effect of, “I will never become more helpful if I die, and we’re bros, and you need me, so go fucking find out how to cure me.” Scott agrees and shoves Derek into Stiles’ Jeep so that everybody will stop staring at them. A very unhappy Stiles motors off with a dying failwolf in his car. Scotty hops on his bike and goes to Allison’s.

When he gets to Allison’s house, however, hooking up with her becomes a higher priority than saving Derek. They do the kissing while Scott continues to get panicked calls from Stiles. Scott gets a little too riled up and starts to wolf out, but he reins himself back in before clawing up Allison’s pretty dress (or body). After they make out for a while, Allison decides to show him her family’s weapon garage. Because “oh yeah, Scotty, did I mention my dad was an arms dealer?”

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Another campaign poster for ‘Hot Girls With Weapons 2k15’.

Scott has a mini-freak out. Not enough to make him disinterested in more kissing. Just then, Kate and Chris arrive home with the groceries. Scott gets invited (coerced) into staying for dinner.

The situation in Stiles’ jeep grows more dire by the minute. First Stiles tries to take Derek back to the Hale house, but Derek objects to that plan on the grounds that he is weak and defenseless. Stiles is increasingly concerned about blood on his upholstery, and the fact that Derek reeks of death. When he suggests that Derek just get out of the car, Derek declines. Things become more heated, coming to a head with the ultimatum, “Stiles, drive me to the vet clinic or I will rip your throat out with my teeth.” That’s not how you make friends, Derek. Bad dog.

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“We dislike each other, and are both pretty, so now there will be shippy feels.”

Stiles doesn’t have much choice but to agree and do what Derek says. He sends some more angry texts to Scott, who is trapped at the awkward family dinner to end all awkward family dinners.

Meet the Parents.
Meet the Parents.

Scott fumbles with social interaction at the best of times. Chris’ overprotective father routine does nothing to aid this situation. Neither does Kate’s flirting (that nobody seems to notice or be creeped out by). However, Scott does manage to sneak off and root through Kate’s things until he finds the special bullet she shot Derek with. He tries to leave soon after, but is encouraged (intimidated) to stay for dessert.

Stiles and Derek arrive at the vet clinic, where they discuss plan B.

DEREK: if Scott doesn’t get here soon, you have to cut my arm off.


DEREK: are you afraid of blood or something?

STILES: i am afraid of sawing through bone and looking at ur stump arm

DEREK: more afraid than you are of me killing you?

STILES: squeak

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Nothing says ‘romance’ like an amputation party.

Dinner finally ends. Scott makes to leave. Before he can get out the door, though, Kate stops him and asks what he took out of her bag. He freezes. For a moment, it seems like all is lost. Until dear, sweet Allison takes the fall, brandishing a condom she stole from Kate earlier that day. Everyone is embarrassed and it’s beautiful.

Scott makes a mad dash to the vet clinic, where Stiles is just about to cut off Derek’s arm. Derek passes out and drops the special bullet. Scott has to retrieve it from a heating vent. Stiles revives derek with a punch in the face. Derek opens the bullet, sets the contents on fire, and pushes the burned remains into his wound, which heals him, for some reason, I guess?

After that, it’s backstory time. Derek takes Scott to the hospital where his uncle Peter is a coma patient. Peter survived the Hale house fire. The fire that the Argents totally started. They are monsters, Scotty, monsters! You should really stop your Romeo and Juliet thing before it gets a lot of people killed.

(Muffled Phantom of the Opera music plays in the distance).
(Muffled Phantom of the Opera music plays in the distance).

We end on Chris and Kate sitting in their living room, talking about which werewolf Kate must have shot, and who the Alpha could be. Chris insists that they have to do this whole ‘killing the Alpha’ thing by the code. He also mentions that he is not the one who started the Hale House Fire. Kate is like, ‘fuck codes, I’m a rebel and a pyromaniac’ and when she starts up the fireplace, it’s heavily implied that she was the one who burned Derek’s house down. Gasp.

For as long as I have typing fingers.
For as long as I have typing fingers and a bad sense of humor.

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